One Month In

Usually the way one of these posts works for me is I have all these thoughts in my head that have somewhat of a common theme.  So I sit down, write them out, get them in some type of order, and attempt to tie a pretty little bow on them.  This one is not like that.  I have some random thoughts after one month into this that don't connect in any shape, form, or fashion (that's a Carol Sue phrase ;) and I just need to get them out.  So here goes....

1.  Brad is a very private person.  On the flip side, he is very supportive of me using this blog however I feel is best - and right now, it's cheap therapy for me.  It helps me to get my thoughts sorted through and out of my head.  Why do I feel it's best to let cyberspace have access to those thoughts?  Sometimes I'm not sure.  We talked about my vulnerability after my last post.  I am trying to be as honest as possible - the good, the bad, and the ugly of this suffering (but not the ugly, ugly...even I have a line when enough is enough ;)  But, overall, I feel like giving people a glimpse into the inside of this trial might be helpful to someone someday.  Maybe someone that walks through it themselves can find comfort knowing that they're not the only one with the crazy emotions and thoughts that come along with it.  Maybe it will give insight to a person that is trying to help a friend through the grieving process and would otherwise not know how to relate. Maybe it's all for me.  All I know is that God is working too much overtime on me to not shout it from the mountaintops - and this is my Everest.  I know that He is weaving together the tapestry of my life and I want to see how it all comes together.  Right now, a lot of this doesn't make sense.  But even in one short month, I'm starting to get a glimpse of how some of this is tying together.  I can't wait to see the final product!

2.  I want to be clear that there are LOTS of ups and downs in this journey.  When I write, you are seeing a quick snapshot.  I feel like it's one still frame of a 2 hour movie.  I do not want people to think that what they see here is all that's happening.  There are good times, there are bad times.  There are times when life feels pretty normal.  I can laugh, I can play with my kids, I can love my husband.  But there are periods that are also really, really low.  I have flippantly said recently, "If it were not for the strength of God, I would be glued to my bed feeling sorry for myself."  Well....Tuesday, I was glued to my bed feeling sorry for myself.  Not to take ANYTHING away from His power or His healing - but I think that is all part of the healing process.  There are going to be down times that are the bottom of the barrel.  THANK GOD that His mercy is new each morning, because Wednesday was a new day.  THANK GOD.

3.  I know there will come a time (maybe it's already happened for some) when people will think, "Just get over it!"  But that's just not the way it works.  I talked with a precious lady yesterday that lost her mother at age 55.  She reached out to offer her sweet support and a listening ear.  She said, "In my mind, loosing your mother is comparable to loosing a child.  Yes, it's the natural order of things, but you're just supposed to have your mother.  It's just something you never get over."  Thankfully, I have no basis to make that comparison, but I can say that it feels like you're just supposed to have your mother.  I watched my mom loose her mom - my precious Granny.  She died in June of 2011.  She was 101.  (Which adds to the shock that my mom was gone at 69 - I had signed up for the long haul.)  She had lived a wonderful life and wanted nothing more than to meet her Savior.  She was in great health for the vast majority of her life, but in those final months, she was BEGGING Jesus to take her home.  Even then, my mother suffered.  I remember her saying, "But she was my momma...."  We could not have been happier for the freedom my Granny found in Jesus - but my mother, age 68, still felt lost.

4.  God gave me this thought recently, and it gave me so much comfort.  Once I got to Little Rock and saw her, I REALLY wanted her to wake up.  I wanted to see her eyes, I wanted her to know I was there beside her, I wanted to tell her goodbye.  I had that moment with Daddy just minutes before he passed to tell him how wonderful he was.  I wanted that.  But THANK GOD that I didn't get it.  My mother went to bed 100% happy.  She woke up with a bad headache and neck ache that lasted a couple of hours.  After that, she lost consciousness and never knew what was happening to her.  I don't think she had any clue that she was leaving us.

After walking through a 7 month TERRIBLE illness with my daddy, I've often wondered what would be worse - seeing your loved one go through so much pain, but having the time to prepare and say goodbye?  Or having them disappear in an instance?  In the moment, mom's felt worse.  The shock and disbelief was too much to process.  I said in those first few days, "This is the winner.  This is worse."  It's much like ripping off a bandaid - the pain is quick, but it is INTENSE.  I think after coming out of the fog a little, I retract those statements.  It's awful either way.  But it was completely heartbreaking to see my daddy go downhill and to see him mourn the fact that he was leaving us behind.  I know my mother.  It would've crushed her to the core to know she was leaving us.  She and Darrell were beyond happy together and had only been married 2.5 short years.  She loved her grandbabies something fierce.  She knows how much it hurts to loose your mother and she would've been completely heartbroken that my brothers and I were having to face that.  So, THANK GOD that I did not have those final cognitive moments with her.  I would be hurting now just the same.  My conversation with her the night before was happy and loving, and it was enough.  She went to bed happy, she suffered a couple of hours of pain, and then she woke up in GLORY.

THANK GOD.



So one month in, this is where I am.  My brain is pretty random and ramble-y these days, so I guess it's a pretty accurate snapshot.  I'll work on tying the bow a little prettier next time.  :)