"supreme ruler"
"a person who has absolute authority"
"being above all others in character, importance, and excellence"
God is SOVEREIGN. No doubt. No if's, and's, or but's about it (Carol Sue phrase). He has supreme rule and authority over my life, and He is above all others in importance and excellence. If my mind ever starts to wander into the why's and what if's - I come back to that one word.
SOVEREIGN.
SOVEREIGN.
On the day that changed my life, God put a song into my heart as I was waiting in line at the airport. It was one that has some connection to Pauline in maybe the early 1990s. I can't remember if our choir sang it or maybe I sang it as a solo - I can't place it (maybe someone can help me out with that detail), but it has been a good 15-20 years since I had heard it. The words that I could remember were playing on repeat in my mind during those first few days after her death.
"God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don't understand,
When you can't see His plan,
When you can't trace His hand,
Trust His heart."
On the way from the funeral to the burial, we had about a 45 minute drive where it was just Brad and me in the car. I couldn't get the song out of my head, so I wanted to know the exact lyrics. I looked it up on youtube and listened to it again and again on our way to the cemetery. I was blown away with how fitting it was. It completely summed up my thoughts on the whole situation.
(Click HERE to hear the entire song)
I think God is so amazing to subconsciously give me the words that sorted out my feelings and to gently remind me that HE'S GOT THIS!!!!
SOVEREIGN.
Since then, this song has been referenced to me several times - from friends and in cards that I've received. I just can't deny the fact HE is reminding me again and again....even though I don't understand why this happened....I don't know why I can't call her....I don't know why she and Annabelle will never go on another shopping spree.....I don't know why Harris won't get to make lasting memories at her amazing house....I don't know why Darrell had to bury a second wife in 5 years. TRUST HIS HEART.
SOVEREIGN.
****************************************
This is my third year to be a part of Bible Study Fellowship (BSF). This is an in-depth, inter-denominational bible study that has been a total spiritual game-changer for me. I have gained infinite amounts of wisdom about the bible and the character of God through this study. Look it up in your area. Ah-mazing!! Anyway, at the beginning of the summer, I was asked to be on leadership. As I met with our phenomenal leader, Sarah, over lunch, I felt the undeniable presence of the Holy Spirit saying, "YES! This is what I have for you! Accept this challenge!!"
It made sense to me that I could lead one of the small discussion groups. It would be about 12-15 women in my same life-stage that I would love on, check in with, pray for, invest in, etc...for the next 9 months. I felt like with some of my life experiences (loss of my dad, infertility, miscarriages, walking with 2 close friends through the loss of their marriages), I could really relate to what some of these women would possibly be going through. This was going to be FUN!
Until.....Sarah asked me to be a children's leader. Children's leader??? I don't want to teach kids! I mean, I love kids as much as the next guy, but that's hard work! And I've already got my own kids to take care of. No, thanks!
It made sense to me that I could lead one of the small discussion groups. It would be about 12-15 women in my same life-stage that I would love on, check in with, pray for, invest in, etc...for the next 9 months. I felt like with some of my life experiences (loss of my dad, infertility, miscarriages, walking with 2 close friends through the loss of their marriages), I could really relate to what some of these women would possibly be going through. This was going to be FUN!
Until.....Sarah asked me to be a children's leader. Children's leader??? I don't want to teach kids! I mean, I love kids as much as the next guy, but that's hard work! And I've already got my own kids to take care of. No, thanks!
But then, there was that still, small voice. There was that unsettled feeling in my heart that wasn't satisfied with me turning down this opportunity without consulting HIM.
So, I began to pray.
I told God that He was going to have to do some major work on my attitude and make my heart happy with the thought of spending my morning with a room full of little ones verses getting a break from my own and fellowshipping with other women. I told Him that I wanted confirmation that He was going to be in this with me and that this really was what He had planned for me - because this certainly felt like a big sacrifice. I told Him that if this was where He wanted me, I'd do it because I want to be a servant of Christ. But, I needed Him to give me a pretty big nudge.
So, I began to pray.
I told God that He was going to have to do some major work on my attitude and make my heart happy with the thought of spending my morning with a room full of little ones verses getting a break from my own and fellowshipping with other women. I told Him that I wanted confirmation that He was going to be in this with me and that this really was what He had planned for me - because this certainly felt like a big sacrifice. I told Him that if this was where He wanted me, I'd do it because I want to be a servant of Christ. But, I needed Him to give me a pretty big nudge.
Did you know that God answers prayers?
That very week, I was walking through Ross just browsing. As I rounded the corner, I ran into Geana. I know Geana because she was one of the "big wigs" in the children's program of BSF and had been for many years. Also, she and I were partners at one of the BSF seminars. Now, keep in mind, this is San Antonio - it's not everyday that you see someone out and about that you know. I thought, "Really God, Geana???" So I took the opportunity to pick her brain a little. I was very honest with her about where I was mentally - with the fact that I was willing to do it, but I just couldn't swallow the idea that this is what He would have for me at this point in my life.
She said, "I 100% understand where you're coming from. When they asked me to do it around 15 years ago, I was so hesitant. I had a 2 year old and a 2nd grader of my own," (SERIOUSLY???? That's what I have!!), "and I just couldn't believe that God would ask me to serve children when I was in the throws of raising my own. But, Rhonda, I can't tell you the blessings that God gave me through that experience. It was one of the most rewarding areas of service that I've ever had."
SOVEREIGN.
As we hugged and walked away, I paid attention to the song over the intercom. Keep in mind, this is not Chick-fil-a, Ross does not play Christian music. But what was playing? Francesca Battistelli, "It's Your Life."
"This is the moment, it's on the line.
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle, between wrong and right,
But you know after all.
It's your life watcha gonna do?
The world is watching you.
Every day the choices you make,
say what you are and who your heart beats for,
It's an open door,
It's your life.
To live the way that you believe
This is your opportunity
To let your life be one that lights the way."
(Click HERE to hear the entire song.)
SOVEREIGN.
So, I took the position.
And then, my momma died.
And then, it made sense.
The events of July 31-August 1, were no surprise to Him. He called me to the children's program because He knew that I would not have the energy, mind-set, will-power, where-with-all to fully attend to all of my own needs. How on earth would I do that for 12-15 other women?
SOVEREIGN.
On top of that, I was given the itty-bitty babies! My lesson prep consists of a 3-6 sentence story. My primary responsibility is to love on and pray over those babies. I can do that. I can't invest in the lives of 12-15 new people, but I can love on babies!
SOVEREIGN.
As we began training and the other leaders heard about my momma, one approached me and said, "There is another leader that lost her mother to a long illness and then about 8 years later lost her father overnight to a heart-attack. She was about 30 when that happened. Would you mind if I gave her your number so she can reach out to you? I'm not sure if you know her. Her name is Geana."
SOVEREIGN.
Geana has contacted me. We have talked, cried, and prayed together. She is a source of comfort and understanding and direction in this uncharted territory of "What does my life look like now that I don't have parents?"
I've said it from the beginning, but I can't say it enough - God is so good!! I am so thankful that HE is in control of my life and has my best interest in mind. It's very easy to get caught up in my own emotions and in my own ambitions, but I just have to keep reminding myself to TRUST HIS HEART. I wish I didn't have such a short term memory! Maybe I should pray about that... :)
"This is the moment, it's on the line.
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle, between wrong and right,
But you know after all.
It's your life watcha gonna do?
The world is watching you.
Every day the choices you make,
say what you are and who your heart beats for,
It's an open door,
It's your life.
To live the way that you believe
This is your opportunity
To let your life be one that lights the way."
(Click HERE to hear the entire song.)
SOVEREIGN.
So, I took the position.
And then, my momma died.
And then, it made sense.
The events of July 31-August 1, were no surprise to Him. He called me to the children's program because He knew that I would not have the energy, mind-set, will-power, where-with-all to fully attend to all of my own needs. How on earth would I do that for 12-15 other women?
SOVEREIGN.
On top of that, I was given the itty-bitty babies! My lesson prep consists of a 3-6 sentence story. My primary responsibility is to love on and pray over those babies. I can do that. I can't invest in the lives of 12-15 new people, but I can love on babies!
SOVEREIGN.
As we began training and the other leaders heard about my momma, one approached me and said, "There is another leader that lost her mother to a long illness and then about 8 years later lost her father overnight to a heart-attack. She was about 30 when that happened. Would you mind if I gave her your number so she can reach out to you? I'm not sure if you know her. Her name is Geana."
SOVEREIGN.
Geana has contacted me. We have talked, cried, and prayed together. She is a source of comfort and understanding and direction in this uncharted territory of "What does my life look like now that I don't have parents?"
I've said it from the beginning, but I can't say it enough - God is so good!! I am so thankful that HE is in control of my life and has my best interest in mind. It's very easy to get caught up in my own emotions and in my own ambitions, but I just have to keep reminding myself to TRUST HIS HEART. I wish I didn't have such a short term memory! Maybe I should pray about that... :)
3 comments:
First I had chills when I was reading this. Then tears. God is so good. Even in the midst of bad he is there.
Thank you for writing that.
Think about you so much and know you are missing your mom like crazy.
chills chills chills.
God is providing comfort and relief in small ways. He knows you need it. I am praying for you. You can hear His voice in those still moments!! Love ya!!!
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