I heard Brad talking to one of my friends the other day. She was asking how I was really doing - behind closed doors. He said I was 95% good. I think that was a little generous and optimistic, but not too terribly far from the truth. There are still "triggers" that get me almost daily. Saturday and Sunday, both, it was the thought of Christmas sneaking up on me - and how different that whole season is going to look from anything I've ever known. I know from past experiences that the first year of holidays are the worst, and I am certainly anticipating that to be true in this case. Goodness. That thought gets me every time! Moving on.
Earlier today, it was a deep theological question that I had been meaning to talk to her about months ago. I ran across it again today in my quiet time and I just needed to know her opinion. Thank goodness she and Darrell saw pretty closely eye to eye on all things theology. The three of us had several conversations about various Biblical topics over the past 3 years or so that's he's been in my life, so it was a great comfort to be able to call him and know she probably would've given me the exact same answer. God sure gave me a gift in Darrell. There have been several times over the past 2 months that the desire to talk to her was just too much. So, I called him. He was a part of most conversations I had with her over the last 2.5 years of her life; which honestly, at first, was a bit of an adjustment, but now I am OH so thankful. God is good.
I still feel very much in the thick of grief - and because I know this process takes a LONG time - I'm not rushing anything. I can easily see that I'm still not the best wife or mother or sister or friend that I've ever been - but I'll get there. I'm not allowing guilt to seep into my healing heart. Those that love me are being very gracious, and I have faith that they will still be there when I come back around. And I'm getting closer day by day. It will happen.
But the feeling that I feel most? BLESSED. I have so much goodness around me, it seems pretty short-sighted to focus on what I do not have.
*God has given me the sweetest little family to love.
*God gave me the opportunity to watch my parents walk through multiple trials and model what true reliance on HIM is. Have you ever heard the song, "Praise You in the Storm"? My parents lived that.
*God has given me that same responsibility to be the model for my children. Ever wonder why God allows tests and speed bumps in your life? I think this could be a big part of it. How are they going to know if I don't teach them?
*God gave me good, honest, hardworking brothers (and wives) that are putting in overtime to get all the aftermath settled. And there is A LOT to do. THANK GOD I'm not the Executor! What a job! (Side note here: If you have a lot of sentimental pieces in your house, PLEASE go through and label them. Put a note in one of the cups or masking tape on the bottom of a bowl. Something! My mother LOVED pretties and each one had a story. As much as I want to remember every single one, it's just impossible. Do this for your kids, please! I've started doing it for mine.)
*God has given me amazing extended family. I don't think I've written much about them here, but they're the real deal. A ton of them dropped everything on July 31 and ran to our side (some even with little ones in tow) in our time of need. I cherish their love and support more than they know. I rely on them for stories of my past. I cling to their mannerisms and personality traits that make me feel closer to my parents. (This one is mostly related to my dad's brother. Good golly, Ms. Molly - if I squint my eyes just right, it could almost BE him. I'm sure that could be awkward for my uncle, but I sure do love it! ;) My family is filling a void.
*God has given me great friends that have called and checked on me so much that we got a warning about 2/3s into the month that we had already accrued $100 in overages because all our minutes were gone. We always have plenty of minutes! Oops.
*God has given me enough money to cover the extra $100.
*God gave me a momma that loved to cook and loved to share her recipes. If I need to feel close to her, all I have to do is whip up one of her staples. This week, it was her delicious chicken salad - even if it is October! I almost couldn't eat it because it took me right into her kitchen where we stood last summer with 2 forks over the big bowl - not able to stop eating because it was so good. But what a gift to be able to almost feel her presence. I've got a whole line-up of things I'm ready to make. I told Darrell to think up a list of his favorites and come visit me. He said he'd be on his way tomorrow. Ha!
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So where am I two months in? Tonight, I'm counting blessings. And it feels good. You should try it! :)
"Give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18
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